Letting Go
Review
Letting Go is about what it feels like for parents when their kids go off to college. Karen Levin Coburn and Madge Lawrence Treeger provide a compassionate approach, practical information, and advice about the physical and emotional processes of letting go. They discuss the college-age child’s search for identity, independence, and intimacy; give a succinct and accurate description of how college life has changed over the decades; and provide a year-by-year breakdo…
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March 4th, 2010 at 4:26 am
Fast-moving book of advice for parents of college kids is written by a Dean and a psychotherapist, so be aware of the “leave it to the professionals” attitude and sense of fatalism (in guise of acceptance and tolerance) that sullies an otherwise very good guidebook.
A couple of chapters into it, I realized that this book might be a good one for parents of babies to read… no kidding. Because so many of the problems between college students and their parents could be easily handled or even avoided if parents always had a good solid communication line with their kids. From Day One! Simply, every parent lets go of their kid eventually, and it is sobering to consider that, ’round college time, you are either letting go of a friend or a stranger.
What makes this is an extremely useful guide is the authors’ obvious close knowledge of and experience with almost every kind of pitfall a student can drop into. Parents are indeed given a thorough rundown of what they can expect to see happen. IN AMAZING DETAIL!
Students about to enter college are well-advised to read the chapter called “The Freshman Year.” It is an excellent examination of what’s very possibly in store, will prepare the student for some of the challenges faced by all Freshmen. The nervous ‘newbie’ may find some real solace in knowing that (s)he is not alone in her/his anxieties and uncertainties.
The authors’ drugs warnings are a bit too complacent for my sense of health and self-discipline, meaning that there is an annoying hint of “well, that’s what kids do in college.” But I also took that as a helpful bit of data, because now I know that college administrators and professionals simply don’t care if your kid is on drugs, until it escalates into an enormous problem. That in itself helps me as a parent, because I see the limitations of the average administration’s care.
Another annoying facet to the book is a pervading sense that all professors are right, or at least unquestionable (authors definitely side with academic authority). Frankly, there are a large number of professors preaching utter garbage or who have no desire to really see their students actually learn something concrete. This possibility is never suggested, whereas I would firmly state that there are some students who are bright and capable who would never “make it” in a college environment. Dropping out is mentioned only once & only as a kind of last resort of degradation and shame. The possibility that a class or professor may be totally wrong for a student is glossed over.
I would suggest to editor/publisher that the index be improved and lengthened in any later edition.
So despite the flaws that linger like mist, I still recommend the book as a collection of scenarios and phenomena the parent would not necessarily have anticipated. Read the book, talk to your kids, let go gently.
Definitely prepares the parent for what college life can be all about, and offers some ideas for how friction and conflict can be avoided. Liberal use of student, teacher, dean, and parent statements (however edited they may be) ring true and make this a wonderful, and even, at times, a heartwarmingly humorous read.
March 4th, 2010 at 6:42 am
This book and When Your Kid Goes to College were worth many hours of therapy during the late summer and early fall of my son’s first quarter at college, especially around the time we took him down to school. I preferred Letting Go because it was more comprehensive, but other parents might prefer When Your Kid…There is a wide array of situations to learn from and to place your own experience in context. The authors provide trend material from their long-term research to help parents distinguish their child’s college context from their own. I observed other parents coping with this transition unaided. Some were fine but others were having trouble and personalized the experience. Facts do help mitigate emotions. I recommended this book to one overwhelmed mother whose prodigy had gone far away to pursue her talent. Her response was “Thank you, I’ll let you know when I am ready for a book (ital.)” as if this would be cold comfort for her personal loss. But the fact is, the authors know way more than most of our friends and relatives do; and the number of parents going through this experience is very large (check the book for figures). There is a great deal to learn both from the academic analysis and from the many examples of parents’ experiences. Well researched, well written, logical and helpful.